Years ago I decided to write this because I had been on a long ride of trying to find my purpose. I had become so stuck by trying to get out of the mud that all I did was focus on the dirt inside me. When you focus on something, it expands. I knew this from quantum physics and I knew this from my own intuitive mind, but I kept entertaining and feeding the dysfunction. Mud, mud, lets bathe in the mud of misery. I look good in mud, do you?

It’s not a hard thing to do, when every time you get up, life offers you some more doo. I knew in my heart of hearts that I was headed backwards going in the wrong direction to creating my ultimate life purpose. Guess what? It didn’t matter. I kept feeding the crap inside me and believing I had no way out of the depression and cyclical devastation. Life had it out for me and karma was not my friend, so what was I to do?

I went to healers, shamans, physicists, naturopaths, biofeedback therapists, psychotherapists, mediums, psychics, preachers, priests, and whoever was an expert at their chosen rescue plan. Sign me up! What do I need to do to be free of all this?

You just have to ask God. Put him on speed dial until he’s sick of your ring tone. Um, wait a minute, did someone give me the wrong number? Try confession! You need to count the rosary, but if you curse you have to start all over again. Fuck that.

Well that’s ok because it’s in your astrological chart. Your mom was an idiot and should have held her vajayjay tight and had you a day later. Then, the planets would have blessed you and you’d be famous like Oprah. Your childhood sucked and here’s some Prozac and now you have an opiate heart.

Your aura is black and blue. Your chakras are stuck in reverse. Put this crystal up your ass and your heart will open. You need to stop eating for 30 days and your third eye will open. So, you see the tunnel flash before you because you’re actually about to starve to death. Or maybe you stole someone’s underwear in a past life and they are haunting you.

You just need to think differently. No, you just need to meditate. No, you need to chant. Oh wait, you need to visualize it. No, you need to see it, feel it, and believe it. Well, if I could do that I sure wouldn’t have created this. I’d already be in my penthouse overlooking the ocean with the love of my life with the biggest smile on my face because I just had the best screaming orgasm ever and I just raised more money than Bono to help some children in Africa get more than crayons and some bad oatmeal.

I’m not saying any of these things are bad. I’m not saying none of them work. I’m not endorsing anything. You’ll find I talk about a lot of these things. You’ll find I actively do a lot of them. I practice what I preach. SO, why all the punches?

I’m going to tell you a very big secret. I believe that the most influential players almost never tell you the truth about how they got to where they are right now. They only give you a piece of the pie and never tell you the ingredients so you can bake it yourself. All on your own. But hey if they did that, they wouldn’t be so darn influential and their pie might shrink. You may cease to buy their CD’s, their books, their DVD’s, their internet monthly memberships, their affirmation of the day, or go to their workshops and buy their heal my heart panties. They might have to create something else. So for now, it’s an investment to keep you looking. Quench your thirst, but keep you hungry.

I was ravenous, so I bought and went to every motivational speaker even if he had a cardboard sign. I wanted to know. The more I gave away my money, the more I gave away my power, and the more I lost myself. I was on a road to nowhere fast and my car was running out of gas. I was at the end of my rope and I was desperate. I was looking for another fix. Another hit. Another toke of infinite wisdom. Someone closer to God than myself, so they could get me out of this tsunami of pain. I was out to sea with no paddle and realized girl you don’t even have a boat.

I couldn’t see up from downers, unless you were someone else. My nickname was Star. I could tell anyone how to shift almost any blockage and how to create a new paradigm in their life in a few short breaths. I just couldn’t tell myself. I kept looking for another guru. I had to straight shoot and aim at the bulls-eye, right into the center of my own forehead. I had to see my own truth so I could truly be open to have the courage to reveal someone else’s. And I did just that. So please know I am happy to help point the way to the truth, but you will ultimately have to see it for yourself. I am not your guru and I am no longer in search of one either.