Many people come to me when their relationships are failing. Often by the time they get to me, they’ve tried everything from therapy to workshops to prayer and it all feels like a temporary band aid. If you read my article Rejection is God’s Protection it explains the principle that you cannot resonate with a person you do not have common ground with on some level. In all of our relationships, an energy ties us together and you have to determine if this relationship you are so upset about is based on pain or love. Then you have to take action based on that conclusion.
Of course, we all want to believe our relationships are based on love and deny to ourselves that we are climbing endless mountains. Often the stronger we are, the longer it takes us to get beaten down and out of a tough situation. If you had a really hard upbringing, then your tolerance for pain is remarkably higher than someone who had it easier. Survivors make art out of toilet paper, but that doesn’t mean it’s not intended for wiping. Remember, just because you aren’t at your threshold doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be. Einstein said the definition of insanity is when you keep doing the same action expecting a different result. So when do you get sick enough from the merry go round and just simply step off?
The underlying core reason we don’t let go evolves from somewhere in our past where we felt someone didn’t accept or love us. We felt misunderstood in childhood and felt we weren’t worthy enough or good. This abandonment trap caused us to project this on to others, so we don’t judge them no matter how much they hold us emotionally hostage. We back off to show our loyalty and our belief in the other person. All the while, we should be healing ourselves by being the person who finally accepts, loves, and rescues ourselves right out the door. Often people say they want to get better, but they have no desire to really heal. Just as people are addicted to Housewives and Jerry Springer, they often feed off the chaotic emotions to fuel their emotional addiction. Or to simply nurture the lie that we are saner than the rest of the world.
If two people are in a room and one is deathly sick, then what ends up happening to both people? The healthy person ends up infected. If you have Ebola, I might show up in my hazmat suit or better yet wave from behind the glass, but I am not sharing my ice cream cone with you. I feel it’s the same way with the mind. Sick plus healthy=sick. After a short time of infestation, you will be thinking of doing things that are so unconscious, you will want to introduce you to your new self each morning. You’ll be staring back into the mirror, “Hello you, I am Scary Sara today”. Or “Nice to meet you, Sneaky Steve”. Who is that going through his phone? Who was thinking his clothes might look better in flames? Who was that checking her Facebook friends of friends of friends because they might not just BE FRIENDS!? You could’ve solved world hunger with those detective skills and time you put in. Keep it up and you will be running after your mind so fast, you will not be able to even catch it. Relationships are challenging, but they should be expanding who you are, not shrinking your worth.
Sometimes relationships fall apart and sometimes they were never worth building. It is really about deciding how long you want to be a lone ranger just to attempt to validate all the work behind your Disneyland fantasy. And if that’s the case, then please remember one thing Wendy. Peter Pan is never ever coming back from Neverland and he’s never going to grow up either. You are going to have to cry yourself to sleep and pull your big girl pants back up and accept surrender.
The important thing you need in order to create harmony with someone is to make sure you have the same values. It doesn’t mean your beliefs are the same, but it means your core principles are equal. If your partner doesn’t have the same core truths, then you are going to shoot each other until the bullets run out or the ship sinks from the holes you put in its armor. There is no amount of hoping, wishing, or praying that is going to change someone’s core values. If they like to lie, then no amount of your parenting will get them to find value in telling the truth. They will just resent you. And remember parenting your partner is a divorce trap because no one wants to be schooled by their lover. I always say no man wants to F his mama, so don’t act like one.
When you feel powerless to change a relationship, ask the good Lord to guide you and knock some sense into your being. Ask to be shown in 24 hours if this person has the capability to shift or if you picked the right partner. The answer will come swiftly. Pay attention to it and don’t ask again. (Read my article, A Call for Conscious Relationships)
Toxic relationships don’t just apply to lovers. Toxic relationships can exist with our parents, friends, and co-workers. It is important to recognize when your dynamics are completely one sided and you feel devalued and depressed. There are people who literally do not experience empathy. This is a tragic soul issue that cannot be healed easily or even by traditional psychotherapy often times. You have to release the desire to heal the unhealable. Even if it is your parent. As children, we were often drilled with the biblical concept to honor thy parents at all costs. When the bible said to honor thy mother and father, I believe it meant to honor our beloved God and our Mother Earth. It is important to accept our parents did the best that they could, however when someone can’t accept healthy boundaries, you have to redefine the terms of the relationship. Sometimes relationships are so toxic that you have to accept that it’s literally your survival or theirs. So you must ask yourself honestly, who is it going to be?
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